SHE QUIETLY EXPECTED GREAT THINGS TO HAPPEN TO HER, AND NO DOUBT THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY THEY DID.

— Zelda Fitzgerald

This time almost a year ago things were so different. I’d just lost job, I’d broken up with my boyfriend (the day before I lost my job), I was living in London and I hated it. I hated living out of a suitcase and I hated my job - I was bored, stressed, not getting the support I needed, frustrated and fed up - so truth be told, loosing my job was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. My mental health and wellbeing were as far down the priority list as they could get. Panic attacks were slowly becoming a regular occurrence into my daily life, depression was creeping back in, loneliness, feelings of failure and anger had become the norm. It was a struggle to make an effort to see my friends, it was a struggle to make myself do any of my hobbies and I was constantly tired and stressed and really just completely over everything. After loosing my job, I felt so confused, unsure, betrayed, angry, lied too and I still had to deal with them for a while longer due to circumstances. I knew for a long time that my dream was to freelance and be a photographer, with one day the focus being a bikini company - but those dreams felt very far away. Everyone tells you after uni, go for whatever job you can just so that you can get some experience under your belt. Well I’m not sure whether I agree with that - I did that, and yes it gave me experience and contacts and I met people who are still very good friends to me now, but it also stopped me (due to a lack of time) to focus on building the foundation to go after my dreams. I was burnt out, so although deep down there was a passion for me to set up my own business and start taking photos for a living, I was so exhausted by the time I got home that all I’d do was crawl into bed, eat dinner in bed, watch friends in bed, go on my phone and sleep, either that or go to the pub for after work drinks which resulted in me accidentally getting drunk, not having dinner and then waking up in the middle of the night having a panic attack because I felt so out of control of my life. I felt like I was in this reoccurring circle that I couldn’t get out of, and I constantly had this deep down niggling feeling that I’d lost a year of focusing and following my dreams, and I really didn’t like that. I really had lost hope. My relationship with my family had broken down (partly down to me, partly down to them), my relationship with my boyfriend was at the end. I couldn’t imagine my life without him but things needed to change. It felt as if my ‘career’ was over. My confidence had completely been knocked. I didn’t like how I looked, I didn’t have much money. I was happy to be moving back home to the beach and being with my family but anxious and frustrated to be living by their rules again and not having the freedom of living alone.

A year on, and I have my own business. I’m freelancing as a photographer, social media creator/consultant, web designer and graphic designer… AND I have just been accepted to my first ever apartment!!! I finally have my own kitchen and my own office space! Mentally, spiritually and physically I’m feeling a lot better. Of course, bad days still come and go - but I’ve learnt that it will always be like that for me. Exercise has become part of my routine which I enjoy doing, I found workouts that I thoroughly enjoy. I see my friends all the time, I’m very happy with my boyfriend, I’ve visited so many beautiful places this year, I’ve been able to go in the sea and spend time down the beach and work with people who have a similar vision to me, but most of all, I feel like I have TIME. I don’t spend all of my time working. I now have time to read, time to edit my photos, to go to the beach, to spend quality time with my family or friends or boyfriend, time to relax and watch Netflix and read books and go running and workout, and then when I do work I am so ready and excited to do it. I still have a while to go till I really am living my dream-freelancer-client-life, but for the first 10 months I’m so happy with the way it’s heading.

Last year was a very long few months of intense hurt and growth. Obviously, back then I didn’t know that that was what was happening. But those few months of thinking, reflecting, having to pick myself up from rock bottom and fighting bought me the courage to think, fuck it - I’m going to do things my own way now. Fast forward on, and I’m happy. Still a lil stressed (somethings never change!) but happy. Everything that I wanted a year ago, I have now. And it’s only when I think back to how I felt last year that I realise that. I put so much pressure on myself to think that I should’ve done this and that and achieved this and that by now and my business should have grown this much or I should have my work in this magazine etc but in reality, everything I wanted to achieve last year that felt completely unattainable, I’ve done. And I’m really proud of that.

A, x

P.S - I just looked on my Tumblr and found a quote that I reposted back in December. - “May 2019 bring you your “i’m doing better than i ever was” moment”. Thank you, Universe.