An honest post; mental health & personal talks

Sometimes, I think that everyone goes through stages where life seems hopeless. It doesn't seem fun, it seems like all the colour has been drained, and that there's no point anymore. Some people struggle with these feelings more than others. Struggling with feelings of doubt, guilt, vulnerability, hate, pity and loneliness no matter how positive this person usually is. It seems like there's no way that they can make these feelings go away. Feeling needy or vulnerable especially is something that is looked so down upon. We are always told in relationships to play hard to get, to not admit our feelings, to not say 'i love you' because you don't want to look like a 'pussy' or stupid. We're told to act confident, to act strong, that all we need is ourselves. And yes to some extent I believe this, but why don't we just say how we feel? Why do we find it so hard? People thrive on knowing that they are loved, on knowing that they are wanted. And those three small words can change everything. It can change that person who's struggling view on everything.

Right now I feel lonely, I feel needy and I feel vulnerable. I'm not really sure why. I've spent that past 6 days with my boyfriend and we had a such a great weekend away. I got accepted to a masterclass last night which was a huge deal, I have a couple of job trials coming up this week and I start an internship next week. I guess from an outsiders point of view everything looks great for me. But it's far from how I'm feeling right now. Perhaps it's because I miss him, perhaps I'm anxious about the future as it's freaking me out so much or perhaps it's because a little too often recently the depression cloud has crept over my head and filled it with bad comments and unnecessary thoughts about myself and my relationships and my future. And when I'm alone it's a battle to make those feelings go away and not reappear. I'm someone who really appreciates having space, I appreciate being by myself. I like being by myself and having time to just 'be'. In fact tonight I declined an offer of going out with my family as what I thought I needed was a couple of hours of 'me' time. Where I could take a bath, read, relax and be by myself. No worrying about other people and what they want. But all I feel now is sad.  I don't know if I'll ever post this. I probably won't as I want my blog to be a positive environment that boosts people up and outlet where I can share my life - But I guess that this is part of my life. It is a part of me, it's something I struggle with every now and then and it's something that I shouldn't be ashamed of. For some reason, which I don't know why, I find it easier writing about it on here. Perhaps it's because right now it's just me sitting in my room and I'm writing on my laptop. I don't know whether I'm going to post this and even if I do I don't know who will look at it or read it and it's easier than calling someone up and asking for help. 

Although I know I'm loved and I know that my family loves me as well as my boyfriend and friends... sometimes I struggle with knowing. I know people can say I love you in different ways, through actions and thoughts. But when you're a worrier and an overthinker sometimes that doesn't cut it. Sometimes all you need is a small little sentence that reassures you all in one. I'm always afraid of coming across as needy, or as a burden. I don't like asking for help and I sure as hell hate telling people how I feel when it comes down to my mental health. I'm not someone who will go into much detail if I feel bad. I won't tell them how I really feel. Not even to the people closest to me. I'll say I'm not feeling great but I won't tell them the serious and scary thoughts that have gone through my head, how it was really hard to get out of bed today or how I felt so anxious I was almost sick, that I'm really struggling. I don't say any of this in fear that I will be a burden, in fear that I'll scare them away and that their opinion will change about me. Sometimes I feel fine, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes everything is great and I'm so happy and nothing could be better, but sometimes it changes and I don't know why. I've spent so long trying to figure it out and I've never gotten anywhere. 

I'm a speaker, and I like being vocal about my feelings and letting people know that I love them or how I feel about them. Some people may find it cheesy or a little too much to say how you feel. To tell a friend that's achieved something amazing that they're doing so well, that you're proud of them. Or to tell a friend that you're grateful to have them in your life. You might feel stupid or too 'lovey' or worry that they'll judge you or think you're weird but you never know that those few words could change everything. It could change their perspective on things. Why are we all so scared of being needy? Why is it seen as so bad? We're human - Surely it's nice to know that the person we're with loves us, and why they love us. Surely it's nice to know that your friends appreciate you. I know, and trust me I really do, that there are so many books out there nowadays that say nobodies opinion should matter. You should have the confidence in yourself to know that you're worth so much, that you're so loved and special. But how do we really know? Sure, I can try to love myself and believe I'm amazing, which is something I'm definitely working on. But I'm not gonna know my friend thinks of me if they never text, reply or even ask to see how I am, I'm not gonna know my partner loves me if they never say so. I'm not saying it's something that needs to be said daily, or in a way that's specific to me, or in a way that makes their opinion the be all and end all, but sometimes when it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel and when you're too scared to be vulnerable and ask for help and admit how you feel, those few words could change everything.

Think about what you wish you told people, but didn't out of the fear of coming across as needy. If something happened to that person tomorrow, would you regret not letting them know how you feel? How loved they were? How much they meant to you? We are all so quick at telling people the things they do wrong or ignoring them due to a little comment they made that hurt our feelings. But let's be quicker at telling someone we love them. 

A, x

P.S - Sometimes having an outlet is all you need in order to feel better, after writing this I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel like I can rationalize things better, breathe and think. I can see things from a normal point of view and it's a refreshing feeling to feel like that. Spend time figuring out the things that make you feel good. The things that help clear your head and get you into a better place. Make those your nonnegotiables everyday and do them no matter what. XX